Desiderium

Desiderium - noun - an ardent longing, as for something lost.


You know that feeling?

That epic black hole in the pit of your stomach that's weighing you down, making you feel small and helpless and perhaps even abandoned?

I know that feeling, in small doses like painfully bitter medicine, but I do. 

It's not as sharp and clear as one would think it to be... It's more large and round and heavy and smooth, like a large stone one carries in their palm with a cooling sensation of hope.

The longing, the yearning, pure desideria...

It appears to be a part of life, that feeling. It comes and goes, with unimaginable amounts of other emotions and sensations that prickle the skin and knot the stomach. 

What I feel right now isn't exactly the wild, oddly unknown desiderium, but the fear of it. What I feel is the fear of a child clinging so tightly to their innocence and precious thoughts and magical worlds, and the idea of losing all of it just seems so terrible. 

To feel an entirety of longing for loss.. well, that is simply intolerable. 

And due to my optimistic and fairly stubborn outlook, I feel I want to avoid desiderium as much as possible. I want to skip around it like a dancer, with my arms spread wide and my hair a tangled mess because I do not want to fall endlessly into longing for something that is lost. I just want to hold on to what and who I have for as long as I can with the bright and shining hope that everything will work out fantabulously in the end.

(I have yet to find the antonym of desiderium, but I'm almost positive there's one out there. It's Latin, after all, and Latin is the bomb-diggity of languages.)

Comments

  1. Funny, I've had that feeling myself, many a time throughout my life. I never knew there was a word for it. I always thought of it as melancholy reminiscing. Let me know if you find the antonym.

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